Sometimes I get really frusterated and step back and wish I could look at all the facts, not people's opinions, just the truth and flat out facts. It is impossible though. There is so much to sift through and half of it are lies, stretched stories, legends, and opinions that have been twisted and molded to sound good. Or twisted and retold so they can have a compressed following. Of course I am talking about religion and all its theories and beliefs.

For the longest time, and even still, I refuse to talk about religion with so many people because no matter what you believe you will always clash with someone's beliefs and an argument or tension will arise. Some have this enlightened attitude like they have been touched by Jesus Christ himself and know more than you. Some act sorry for you because you quote unquote 'haven't seen the light' and some get down right nasty and cruel when you start to open up your ideas and beliefs, they begin to pick at your brain, put you on the spot, and slowly find ways to prove you wrong. It becomes a huge pride issue and ego issue and it takes away from the real important reason. It turns into some dramatic fight between what one person deems is right and what the other is confused or unsure about.

No one will ever truely be content to listen to another's ideas because inside their own minds, rather than truely listening, they are thinking of their next remark, next disfunction to say, and have an adament close minded stubbornness that the other person has got it all wrong.

But honestly who can say what is right and what is wrong? Nobody can. They might like to think that they can but when it comes down to it, it's honestly what they feel. Their opinion. Possibly not facts, just what feels right to them.

I've struggled for so many months as I know so many others have, just trying to find something that fits. Not something that is forced down my throat, harshly told is right, and YOU MUST follow it.

To me, and again, this is my opinion, possibly not fact, but what just feels right to me, I think that there is too much history, too much uncertainty, too much lies, too much misinterpretation, too much missing peaces, too much lack of proof, too much stretching of stories, too much man-made propaganda, too much pride, too much rules, and too much coruption for any piece of any religion to be true.

Every piece of paper with writing on it that proclaims to be a religion's rules, happening, following, and make is all man written and I am sorry but... humans do lie, stretch the truth, and add things for dramatic effect, corprate following, and personal beilef works. In other words they will write what they want you to read and take out what they don't want you to know. So with that being said... the written truth probably isn't the truth at all because people will twist things to fit the way they want them. So you could be following a person's personal ideal and not the truth, but lies.

It's confusing as hell. There is so much corruption with every religion. And people wonder why kids, teenagers, and young adults today turn away from religion. People wonder why in the last century Atheists became a house hold name. People got so fusterated with all the confusion, who's right who's wrong, you must follow the rules or burn in damnation, and lack of proof bullshit that they just threw their hands up in the air and said, "Fuck it. I don't believe in God, the Devil, or any following. I'm content to walk this earth doing what I do and die."... It's just too much to handle.

Now before everyone gets pissed off and writes me angry letters: I am not downing on what anyone is content to believe. Where and when I have been confused about so many other things, one thing always made sense to me no matter what, and that was the honest fact: "You have got to do whatever makes you happy despite what anyone else thinks."

If you belong to a religion and are completely happy and comfortable with what you believe. I am happy for you and I do not judge one bit.

That's what my half problem comes from. I don't judge anyone on anything of what they believe. Not a little bit. And I accept people for who they are. (Except if your religion or belief borders around hurting other people and being cruel for no reason.) But because I don't judge and I am willing to listen to a persons ideas, I guess I expect the same courtesy returned to me when I talk... but the reality is that humans just aren't that courtious.

I grew up believing in God and Jesus, and the whole cabinet of the bible. God was everything good in the world and the Devil was anything evil. And all I had to do is pray to God to protect me and I would be okay. But somehow as I got older and life got more complicated... and I got smarter and more intersted in why things were in a good vs. evil mentality.... questions began to turn me away from a blind child's beliefs.

If God is everything good in the world, he is all mighty, powerful, wonderful, and beautiful; why did such horrible things happen in the world? Then for a while I was like, "Oh because the Devil is responsible for the horrible things." but then I was like... if God is so powerful why doesn't he just, for lack of a better phrase, kill the Devil and everyone would just live in peace and harmony. And my Dad's answer for that was, "Because God wants to test us and have us learn from our trials and tribulations." I remember being so fucking mad hearing that.

God wants to test us and for us to learn from the bad things that happen to us. Tell me, what does a for example 3 year old child who gets abused, molested, and locked in a closet everyday and eventually is beaten to death by a parent have to learn from all that? What the hell for a kind of test is that?

A woman loses her entire family in a fire. And now all she does is cry and mourn everyday until she kills herself out of sorrow. Again, what in the hell kind of test is that?

"Well, that was their fate.".... If that is a person's fate set out by God, then God is no better than the Devil. And if the the Devil is resonsible for the 3 year old's fate and the woman's fate, then God did not protect them and he let it happen.

And where did the Devil come from? It was said, again, opinion, possibly not fact, that Lucifer was an angel that was one of many created by God. Once God created Earth and humans, (Or Adam and Eve) God commanded all the Angels, who already bowed before God in love and likeness and in recognition of him being greater than they were, he now commanded the Angels to bow before humans and in the same manor. Now there are three reasons said of why Lucifer refused to bow.

One supposed reason was because he was envious, jealous, and beyond angry that God would make Angels (who were said to be made of fire) bow before humans (who were said to be made of clay) and treat them as masters just like God and were to serve them just like God. He rebelled and started a war. He was in short kicked out of heaven and down to the Lake of Fire (Hell) where he would reside as still a servant, but there by himself for all eternity. Hating humans and what they stood for and blaming them for his predicament, he shapeshifted into a snake to get Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden. And from then on became the tempter and deciver of humans to sin. And if they did they went to hell with him.

The other supposed theory is that Lucifer isn't the opposite of God at all. He remains a loyal servent and proscuter of humans. When humans were made they were giving a choice and if they strayed away from the path of God they were judged by Lucifer and sent to Hell where he resides.

And the last theory is that when God asked the Angels to bow before humans, Lucifer had too much love for God to bow before anything else but him. And as a punishment for defiance he was sent to Hell and through his hurt and later anger became the Devil who hates mortals and tricks them into sin out of spite for God's punishment.

And if the Devil doesn't exist at all and God himself is responsible for all the evil horrible things that go on in the world he created he is nothing but a tyrant that has let power and control go to his head.

You see? All of these theories and different perceptions may or may not be the truth and that in it's own right is a let down.

None of us will ever know the truth. And those who think that what they believe is the truth will be content to follow lies blindly.

Don't get me wrong. It is a beautiful story. God, Angels, Jesus, Moses, and all of them... all of it is a beautiful story but... it happened too long ago and has been passed down through a book which has been re-typed and retold over and over again. Stuff has been added and taken out, shredded and said over again for corrupt following. And it might just be a contrived story! It might not have happened at all. Someone might have just made it up and another followed, and so on, and so on.

And another thing that I have a severe problem with is the rules and punishment. For example,

"You have to believe, trust, and love God before and above yourself."

"You can't adore any other more than God."

Those are just a few and I have qualms with each one. The first being that you have to trust, believe, and love God more than yourself. I think (my opinion) that that is wrong. Above all you should respect yourself first cause you are all you got. It's not being selfish. It's being confident in yourself. I think that should come before all else.

Second. You can't love any other more than God. That just strikes wrong bells all over the place for me. I couldn't possibly love someone I can't coverse with, hug, kiss, play, joke, and get returned affections from more than those people who I do. It just doesn't fit right. I love my circle of people more than anything and anyone.

And another thing that I hate about religion is how easily it's used and abused. If you've had a bad day you blame God. If your generally un-happy in life you blame God. If you made a catastrophic mistake on something you blame God. And in some cases people say that when your depressed about something "Well that's because you don't have enough Jesus in your life."... Blaming God is a person's way of pointing a finger at something that can't defend itself (God doesn't talk.) rather than point the finger at where it really belongs and it's usually at you. And then the "not being religious enough is the cause for your depression." is another of the the same formula for point the finger of blame in the wrong direction. God and Religion are used and abused by being called idiots when there 'not there for you'. People need to learn how to support themselves and stop using religion as a emoitional crutch. It's okay to pray but to love God when you have a good day and hate him when you have a bad one is wrong.

In my opinion, Religion poses too much of a bind, anxiety, and hold on life. You don't live accordingly. You are forced to follow rules and if you mess up even on accident you will be punished. That's not right and not fair. Of course there are things that you should and shouldn't do. I understand, accept, and have no qualms with that. But trying to live under restrictions that are man made and man formatted but have a "God said this." sticker on the box doesn't work for me and apparently for alot of other people. I would gladly believe in God and everything if I had non-tampered with proof of his existance and a solid feeling of truth in my heart but as of the moment I don't believe I do. I will probably be an Agnostic for the rest of my life unless one day I get home and go to my bedroom and God is jumping up and down on my bed, then he jumps down and says, "Hello Sarah, we need to talk."..... until that day here I am. Confused and fusterated.

Once again. I do not judge what other people do and believe. I am merely stating my views and frustrations. I don't believe in pointing fingers at people. You do what you want and be happy. That's all that matters.